


deep breaths (learn to be a person again)

by whichlights



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Hackers, Alternate Universe - Thieves, Backstory, F/F, Gen, Genderfluid Mollymauk Tealeaf, M/M, Nonbinary Mollymauk Tealeaf, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Trans Beauregard (Critical Role), Trauma, found family is the best trope !, obligitory leverage au bc thats the only thing i can contribute ever anymore, slightly adjusted backstories
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-30
Updated: 2018-10-14
Packaged: 2019-05-24 19:31:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,592
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14960750
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whichlights/pseuds/whichlights
Summary: No one wanted to join the crew, but they had a convincing offer- keep doing crime and helping people, and they'd get paid handsomely. Enough money to hide from the past, erase any debts, or start a new life. Before any of that, the seven of them are going to have to learn how to deal with each other. Which is going to suck wildly.or; a story about a group of traumatized thieves coming together to resemble something like healing and family.





	1. Chapter 1

Caleb’s phone was ringing. It never did that.

He froze, and it took him a bit to figure out what that sound was. His small grey flip phone was vibrating, showing an unknown number. Caleb picked up the phone, and he had a few decisions to make.

It’d only take a minute or so on the line for someone to track him. Did he think this call was going to be one of those? Who would want to track him? NSA and the FBI were probably still pissed at him, Interpol might, maybe _he_ had finally found his lost loose end.

Whoever had found his number was an extremely good hacker.

Caleb tossed the phone from hand to hand before answering right before the ring cut out. “ _Hallo_ ,” he said conversationally.

“Caleb Widogast,” the warm voice on the other end said. “You are a tricky man to find.”

Caleb stood up. “Listen to me very closely. If you know who I am, what I have done, you will know I can be dangerous. I will burn you down if you threaten me. So you have ten seconds to convince me I don’t have to consider you a threat.”

“I’m here today to offer you a job.”

Caleb laughed at that. “I don’t do that anymore.”

“Not arsonry. No, no, something much more refined, something I know you’re still doing. I need a hacker.”

Caleb blinked. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Just last week you stole fifteen thousand dollars from the United States Government- the defense budget, if I recall.”

“My cat needed surgery. _Nein_ , no, I don’t do jobs anymore.” _Especially not for shady men behind telephones_ , Caleb kept from quipping.

The voice sighed. “Oh well. You are the best, but if you won’t do it, I’ll find someone else who wants a five million dollar payday.”

“Wait wait wait,” Caleb said quickly. “Five million? A share of five million?”

“Five million _each_.”

Caleb whistled at that, running a hand through his hair. “Please, tell me more.”

“You’re in?”

“Do I have to kill anyone?”

“No.”

“Then I’m in.”

“Wonderful. You can call me G.M. I’m sure we’re going to do marvelous things together.”

———

Caleb was dressed in his most nondescript outfit- beat up sneakers, torn up jeans, and a large, long coat. He’d often been told he looked homeless. He’d always replied back that it just meant no one would look at him twice.

He was standing on the roof of a building with a fancy name, looking over the lights and flare of a traveling circus. He sat down, feet dangling over the edge, and pulled out his laptop from the inside of his coat.

Almost immediately after he opened it, he felt a knife to his neck.

“Whoever you are,” Caleb said softly. “I am prepared to meet my fate if you tell me your name.”

There was a pause. “Caleb?”

Caleb beamed. “Nott?”

The knife was taken away and Caleb turned around to face her.

Nott’s long, black hair was pulled back and up, showing her whole grinning face. Her eyes- truly, unusually golden -were wide, and she hugged him. “What a world!” She muttered.

Caleb hugged her back. “How long has it been? Six months?”

Nott punched his shoulder. “Six months since you busted us both out of jail.”

“You have to admit,” Caleb said. “At least the food was good.”

Nott smiled a little at the memory. “But- well, what are you doing up here?”

“A job,” Caleb said.

“Funny. Me too.”

The door to the roof opened, and a very tall man wearing all black came onto the roof. He looked between Caleb and Nott, and looked ready to bolt before relaxing. “Who are y’all?”

“I’m Nott,” Nott said. The man nodded. “I’ve heard of you.”

Who hadn’t heard of Nott, legendary thief?

“I’m Fjord,” the man continued conversationally, and Caleb nodded.

Who hadn’t heard of Fjord, hitter for hire?

Two women walked up behind Fjord. One had short blue hair, and one had long dark hair with an undercut.

“These are my associates, Jester and Beau.” Fjord gestured to each of them.

Who hadn’t heard of Jester, the grifter with a gift?

Who hadn’t heard of Beau, retrieval expert?

Jester leaned forward, blue eyes that matched her hair wide and sparkling. She poked at Caleb’s chest. “Who are you?”

“Caleb Widogast.”

No one had heard of Caleb Widogast.

Beau seemed confused. “Did I get set up with a nobody?”

“No, you didn’t!” Nott said, jumping to Caleb’s defense. “He broke us both out of jail with nothing more than a piece of wire!”

“You make it sound a lot more impressive than it is,” Caleb said.

“It was _amazing_ ,” Nott insisted.

Fjord held out his hand, and Caleb shook it. “Pleasure to meet you. What do you do?”

“I’m a hacker,” Caleb said, and this was the moment, the moment someone connected the dots. Either they’d realize or they wouldn’t.

They didn’t realize. Jester just gave him a quick hug that he didn’t return, and said, “so… we’re all here for G.M.’s circus?”

“I don’t think it’s _his_ circus,” Beau said.

“But then why would he want us to save it?”

“We’re not being paid to theorize about reasons,” Fjord said loudly, getting them both back on track. “We are being paid to figure out who has been robbing the circus blind.”

“I can do that,” Caleb said. “I just need a connection to their bank records. Maybe some other things.”

“What other things?”

“I need the cell phone of everyone who goes to that circus.”

“I can do that,” Nott offered, and Caleb shook his head.

“ _Nein_ , I have a much simpler idea.”

“Which is?” Fjord asked.

Caleb grinned, pulling something out of one of his pockets. “Wave that around some cell phones, it’ll give me all their information. Much easier.”

“I can go around the circus,” Jester offered brightly. “I can act inconspicuous.”

“Alright then.” Caleb sat down and started typing on his computer. Jester ran down to the door, assumably going to the circus. Fjord followed, which Caleb noted and filed away for later.

———

Thirty minutes later, Caleb was getting information.

“He’s cheating on his girlfriend, they just got a new job, she just got fired,” Caleb muttered under his breath. “Dating apps, secret relationships, coupon emails- oh, _hello_ secret bank account in the Cayman Islands.”

Jester practically tripped over herself to point. “Wait!” She said, leaning over Caleb. He tried very hard to not be uncomfortable. “If we take the money back, he’ll know he got caught!”

“As far as I’m concerned, I was paid to find a who, not give the circus a payday,” Caleb said.

Beau frowned. “It’s _their_ money.”

“And when G.M. wants to give me more of _his_ money, I would be more than happy to run a con on this Kylre.” Caleb closed his laptop.

Jester started clapping. “We should _totally_ run a con on him! I’m, like, an _amazing_ actor!”

“You know, no reports ever said you were this talkative,” Caleb said to her. He looked to Fjord. “Is she always this talkative?”

“You’re being kind of a dick, man,” Beau said.

“I think Caleb is right,” Nott said. Who knew busting her out of jail would have made her this loyal? “Let’s not get involved.”

“We should take a vote,” Fjord said democratically.

“That assumes we are a team,” Caleb said. “Which we are not. I don’t know you people.”

“Just our reputations,” Beau said. “Which, by the way, you don’t have.”

Caleb laughed because, oh, that was _rich_.

“I think we should help these people,” Jester said. “There was this person down there? They looked so _sad_ , that the carnival was going to have to close because all their money is being stolen.”

“Was this person tall, purple highlights, lots of scars?” Caleb asked.

Jester gasped. “How did you know?”

“I got their phone information, too. They’re a grifter. Oh, also? The buff and scary woman? Ex-hitman. Let them run their own scam on Kylre.”

“But they don’t have a hacker pointing them in the right direction,” Beau said.

“Also not my problem.”

Jester gave Caleb huge puppy dog eyes. He ignored her. “I’m just here to get paid.”

Fjord pulled out a phone and dialed a number and-

“Yes?” A very familiar voice crackled over the speaker.

“G’day, G.M. Man named Kylre is stealing all the circus’s money.”

“Incredible deduction. Tell Caleb to give it back.”

“That’s risky and stupid,” Caleb said.

“But-“ Jester interjected quickly. “We can run a con!”

“Also risky and stupid.”

“And we can trick him into giving up the money, and giving himself to the police!”

“Tell her she’s being risky and stupid.”

“I think it’s an excellent idea!” G.M. proclaimed. “Go do that, and then I can pay you.”

“Much obliged,” Fjord said warmly, and hung up.

“Can I see that?” Caleb asked Fjord. Fjord handed over his phone, and Caleb threw it over the edge of the building.

———

“Why are you doing this to me?” Caleb snapped on his own phone, in his own house, clutching his cat to his chest and five seconds away from crying. “Why are you doing this?”

G.M. hummed on the line. “What are you talking about?”

“It’s risky and stupid. I’ll get caught. Or you’ll turn me in. If I disappoint you. I’m trapped here.” His breaths were short and panicked. “If I do a con, I’ll get caught, if I don’t, you’ll turn me in.”

“Caleb, do you want to know what the current bounty is?” G.M.’s voice was soft.

“What is it?” Caleb asked.

“A quarter of a billion.”

“A-American dollars?”

“Yes. Now, if I wanted to turn you in to Trent Ikithon, I would have already. I don’t want to do that. Even if you walk out, right now, I’ll never tell him where you are.”

“ _Why_?”

“Because I need you for this job, and the only way I’m going to get you is if you can trust me.”

“Get another hacker. You don’t want me.”

“I don’t want anyone but the best, Hellfire.”

Caleb sucked in a breath. “I… I’ll do it. But just the one con, alright? I’ll save your circus, then I’m gone.”

“I wouldn’t expect anything less.”

(Everyone knew who Hellfire was. Hellfire was an arsonist and an unbeatable hacker. The rumors and the truth weren’t all that far apart. Everyone knew Hellfire ran with Trent Ikithon.

Everyone knew Trent Ikithon was the bank for international crime. He laundered money for mafias, smuggled art across borders using refugee children, and if you needed something unsavory done, he’d do it for a price. He always said there was no sin he wouldn’t commit for the right price.)

Caleb hung up, breathing as deeply as he could, hugging Frumpkin to his chest. “What have we gotten ourselves into, Frumpkin?”


	2. Chapter 2

The first thing Beau ever stole was food. 

Her father was a strict sort of person, very proud. He was proud of Beau- until she went and decided she was a girl. Went and decided she was a girl with opinions and a personality. 

Beau was a girl with a seafood and shellfish allergy. When her school told her parents that was was going by a different name than they assigned her, they made it a point to never have food that wasn’t fish in the house. They ate out at seafood restaurants every night.

Her parents told the school she was on a special diet, and they refused to feed her anything except what was in her lunch box- fish sticks and fish and all sorts of fucking fish, of course.

Beau’s family was rich and she was starving. She stole three hamburgers from the school lunchroom within two days. 

The school never caught on, but summer came quicker than Beau had anticipated. Her parents didn’t say it, but they all knew what was happening- until Beau “decided to stop being a girl”, they weren’t going to feed her something that wouldn’t make her throat swell up and kill her.

The second thing Beau stole was one of her father’s many credit cards. She hadn’t eaten in three days. She went to Walmart and bought enough food to hide in her room and last her a week.

When that food ran up, she went back, and the credit card was cancelled. She looked the clerk in the eye, shaking and holding two bags of groceries. She was fifteen at the time. She whispered, “I’m sorry,” and she ran.

Beau threw the card away, and started stealing cash. Cash was less easy for her parents to keep track of- no digital trail. She got a part time job at a gym, because people in her neighborhood had started to figure out poor, malnourished Beauregard, who couldn’t even fit into the “right” gender, had money, and they wanted it. Sometimes they hit her. Beau learned to hit back harder. 

The next thing Beau stole wasn’t food or the means to acquire it. It was a bottle of estrogen pills. She was seventeen, and she ran away from home the next day. 

Beau fell in with anyone who needed something stolen. That meant mobs, mafia, bang up crews for one job and crews that had been together for years. She was a smuggler, a hitter- an expert in retrieval. She’d made several very important people very angry, and she was still running. She hadn’t stopped since she ran from her house.  

She didn’t go through all that so some upstart hacker with no reputation to his name could deny her a five million dollar payday. 

(Enough to wipe away all her debts.)

Caleb had left after he tossed Fjord’s phone off the roof, and Beau had almost gone after him to demand  _ who do you think you are?  _ Fjord grabbed her arm and held her back. 

“Not worth it,” Fjord muttered. They’d been doing jobs together for three weeks now, and they made a pretty good crew- Fjord, Jester, and Beauregard. 

Caleb’s thief was gone, not leaving a trace of where she’d gone to. Beau didn’t really care. It wasn’t like she kept her wallet on her person. 

“Let’s go down to the circus!” Jester said cheerfully, or at least trying. “Find that grifter and that ex-hitman again. Tell them what’s happening.”

“We don’t have proof,” Fjord pointed out. 

“I’m Jester Lavore.” As if her name alone would prove it. 

“Jester Lavore, professional liar.” Beau made a motion with her hand like she was gesturing to a light up name in the sky. “Isn’t that on your business card?”

Jester stuck out her tongue and started texting someone. Beau would put her bets on Mystery Girlfriend. Beau was pretty sure, at least, that Jester had a girlfriend she just wouldn’t tell her crew of criminals about. Rude. 

“I think getting more people in on the job is a good idea,” Fjord said. “More faces.”

“Disagreeable partners are worse than marks expecting it,” Beau pointed out. “As we have just learned. I doubt G.M. will let Caleb get away with this stunt.”

“At least try?” Jester gave puppy dog eyes. She knew Beau couldn’t refuse the damn puppy dog eyes. She gave a long sigh, and Jester knew she’d given up on trying to deny her. 

“Let’s go steal a carnival,” Fjord said, like that made  _ any  _ sense. 

\---

Caleb had said there was a buff, “scary” woman who was an ex-hitman. What he had neglected to mention was that she was  _ hot _ . 

Beau started stammering trying to introduce herself, even as Jester started explaining the situation gently to the other grifter, and Fjord nudged her arm. 

“I’m gay,” she blurted out. “I-I mean, I’m Beau.”

The ex-hitman looked down at her with a gentle smile. “Yasha.”

The name clicked. “Yasha?  _ The  _ Yasha?”

Yasha seemed embarrassed, but nodded. 

Yasha was famous, or infamous, depending on which side of the equation you looked on it from. As a fellow criminal, Beau regarded her a celebrity. She held out her hand, hoping she wasn’t blushing  _ too _ much. “Nice to, uh, meet you.”

Yasha shook her hand. Her grifter friend tapped her shoulder, face worried. “You should hear what Jester has to say,” they mumbled. 

They turned to Fjord and Beau. “Name’s Mollymauk, but my friends call me Molly. They/them, if you’d please.”

Jester started talking to Yasha as Molly crossed their arms and looked at Fjord. “What’s your plan?”

“We have a hacker.”

“Had a hacker,” Beau corrected, and Fjord shot her a glare.

“We had a disagreement. He’ll be back. Now, Molly, how many cons have you run?”

Molly hummed. “I run with a circus, obviously a lot. A good number of personal ones. One or two long cons. Always solo, though I’d be willing to work with you if you could save the circus.”

“That’s the plan,” Fjord said. God, he was so good with people. Beau never been good at that part of a con. Really, she didn’t do cons, she did heists. Grab what needed to be grabbed and get out, punching everyone on the way out.

Molly nodded trustingly, and Yasha came back over, glowering. “What’s the plan?” She asked bluntly. “The details, please.”

“We haven’t… gotten that far,” Fjord confessed at the same time Beau said, “we find Kylre and we fuck him up.”

Yasha gave a quick laugh at that, but Beau might have imagined that. 

Jester started bouncing around. “What if- what if- we tricked Kylre into thinking his money was in danger, and then we withdrew it and put it somewhere else! Or if he goes to jail after we frame him for something and we can just get the money back! Or-”

There was a ringing phone. 

It wasn’t Beau’s, Fjord’s had probably been destroyed, it wasn’t Jester’s, and neither of the carnival conmen went to their pockets to answer. They were alone in the room.

Well, they’d thought.

A small form clad in black dropped into the middle of their discussion, holding up a phone. Beau recognized her as the thief from earlier.

“What. The fuck,” she said. 

The thief held up her hands. “I’m Nott, and I have a message.”

Nott poked at her phone, and there was a sigh. “You’re all assholes.”

“Caleb! You came back!” Jester said gleefully. 

“One. Con. Nott can take you to my place for planning. Because hopefully you’re not all planning in the carnival, where the mark is.”

Jester gave a high pitched laugh. “Of course not, that would be stupid.”

There was a long sigh. “Just… come on over.”

The line went dead. Nott shrugged. “That’s Caleb for you.”

“That’s your hacker?” Yasha muttered to Beau, and a bit of her thrilled, like dissing Caleb was their secret, their inside joke. Then Beau told herself to calm the fuck down.

“Yeah. I’ve known him for all of an hour, and he’s like that all the time.”

Yasha gave a very soft laugh, and Beau realized that she might not get out of this con without a massive crush and that she was completely okay with that. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my tumblr is witchlightsands, my dnd sideblog is genderfluidmollymauks, and these first few chapters are short while i work up how to write this au best, they'll get longer at some point


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fuck you too, episode 26. to make up for the fact i feel like i got run over by a train, have the molly pov chapter a little earlier and less polished than i anticipated

Molly was having a weird night. 

They hadn’t expected a weird night, but in hindsight, they should have. They’d expected to just have a run with the dying circus, and face legal unemployment in a few weeks, maybe less. What they got instead was much more interesting, of course, but Molly was still trying to process it. 

And now they were standing at a stranger’s door while a different stranger was aggressively ringing the doorbell, and a different stranger was awkwardly making small talk that was probably supposed to be flirting with his best friend, and a different stranger was trying to get the doorbell ringing stranger to stop ringing so insistently, and a  _ different _ stranger had definitely picked their pockets. And every single person involved in this scenario was undoubtedly a criminal. 

The door finally opened, revealing a man in a long coat. He had bags under his eyes to rival Molly’s, and his hair was a tangled mess. He gave the doorbell ringing stranger- Jester, with the blue hair -a hard glare. “I can hear just fine, you know.”

“But you were taking so looong,” she whined. Jester turned to Molly and Yasha. “This is Caleb, he’s our hacker!”

“ _ Ja ja,  _ whatever,” Caleb muttered. He gestured for the motley group to come in. 

He had a living room area with two couches and an armchair, all vaguely pointed at a TV screen on the wall. Caleb automatically claimed the armchair, and got to work on a computer he seemed to have just summoned out of his jacket. A small orange blur jumped on top of him, and Fjord immediately looked horrified. 

“Is that a  _ cat _ ?” He asked. 

Caleb didn’t look up from his computer. “Yes. His name is Frumpkin.”

Jester shrieked, going up to pet him. Frumpkin seemed to enjoy the attention.

Molly walked up to the hacker, putting on a smooth smile. “Hi, I’m-”

“Mollymauk Tealeaf,” Caleb said, sparing a glance up. “You’ve got a solid fake ID, you know.”

“I… uh, it’s not fake.” Molly’s identity was completely legit- it just happened to be two years old, procured after they’d woken up in a shallow grave. They’d just been lucky there wasn’t a coffin between them and air. 

Caleb gave a thoughtful hum at that. “Alright, take a seat, please.”

Molly sat down, feeling, for one of the first times in their very short life, very out of place. 

Eventually, everyone got settled into a seat. Molly was on one couch, with Yasha by their side and Beau right next to her. Fjord and Jester shared a couch. Nott was borrowing the arm of Caleb’s armchair, but he didn’t seem to mind.

On the TV, a very familiar face flashed up on the screen. Molly gave a slight growl. “Kylre.”

“This is the mark,” Caleb said. “I can pull up financial reports, daily habits, prior connections, whatever, just… I’ve never liked this part.”

Fjord got up. “Uh, Caleb, can you pull up the connection between the carnival’s money and Kylre’s banks.”

Within a few seconds, the graphics on the screen changed, showing almost a cartoon version of the carnival tent, then a stick figure version of Kylre, grabbing some dollar signs before running off to a secret bank account. Complete with account numbers. 

Fjord gave him a look, then sneezed. “Damn cat…” he muttered. “Whatever, we know the link is there. Now, uh, from what we know about Kylre…”

“He’s a selfish bastard,” Yasha muttered darkly.

“He is,” Caleb agreed from his spot on his chair. “He’s also paranoid about losing his money. He’s had a few back and forth emails with someone who goes by… well, it doesn’t matter. What matters is that in the emails-”

The emails went up on screen for all to see, and Molly noticed that the email that wasn’t Kylre’s was blotted out. They snuck a glance at Caleb, but he was looking to Fjord. 

“-in the emails, Kylre is worried the circus is onto him.”

“We can work with that,” Fjord said enthusiastically. “Jester, you’ve already been around the circus a few times. Think we could spruce you up a fake FBI badge?”

“I know a guy,” Yasha said. 

“And I know where you’re going with this,” Molly said with a grin. “You want him to think the cops are on his tail.”

“And we offer him an elegant solution- we take his dirty money, we launder it out clean. He gives it to a very nice bank account Caleb sets up.” 

Beau said, “I don’t think it’ll work, in such a short time frame.”

“She’s right,” Yasha said. “The circus is going under. We don’t have the time for a long con.”

“What if,” Molly said softly, “the police catch him.”

“Me?” Jester said happily. “Oh, and then I can rough him up, and he’ll be all  _ whaaa, my money isn’t safe _ , and buy it!”

“No, I meant the actual authorities. I don’t trust them as far as I can throw them, but… sometimes they put bad guys away.”

“As long as those bad guys aren’t us,” Nott piped up and elbowed Caleb. He gave a short grin.

“You’ve been to jail?” Molly raised an eyebrow.

“Best meal I ever had was in French prison,” Caleb shrugged. 

“How long were you in for?”

Caleb answered in quick French. Molly had never been good at French, but Yasha laughed. 

Fjord clapped twice. “Alright, focus. Let’s work out finer details, yeah?”

\---

“Yasha,” Molly asked as they were all leaving, plans for the morning discussed. “What did Caleb say?”

She looked at them. “You missed something?”

“No, the thing he said in French. When I asked how long he was in prison.”

Yasha laughed a little again. “He said,  _ not nearly as long as they thought I’d be _ .”

Molly blinked, then laughed. “Oh, I think working with these guys won’t be  _ too _ terrible.”

\---

Molly was stuck in the van. 

The rest of the people in on this con were out  _ doing a con _ , and they were stuck in the fucking van.

“Bored!” They declared loudly, throwing themself across one of the chairs in the backseat. Caleb didn’t even look up from his computer. 

“How come  _ Yasha  _ gets to be out there?” Molly whined. 

“Because having more hitters is never a bad thing,” Caleb said. “And I think Beau might have punched us all if someone even suggested she be apart from Yasha for longer than five minutes.”

Molly huffed. “Well, she’s smitten.”

“I wouldn’t know, I’ve only been around her for about a day,” Caleb said. He finally turned to look at Molly. “And I’ve known you for less than that.”

Molly gave a sharp grin. “Funny, that.”

“Mhm.” Caleb turned back to his computer, fiddling with his earpiece. “Jester? How is he?”

Molly heard Jester’s reply across their own earpiece. “ _ He’s skittish, not suspicious. Just like how we want him, right? _ ”

“Oh, yes. Fjord, go ahead and reel him in. Bank accounts all set up, and everything.”

Molly stretched, giving a giant yawn. “Why am I even here, if everyone’s got everything covered?”

“I don’t know.”

“Maybe you just like me being here.”

“In your dreams.” It wasn’t said maliciously, but Molly gave up trying to have a conversation with him. 

Molly leaned back and just listened to the con work. Fjord was an  _ exceptional  _ charmer, they learned, and Kylre was buying all of it. 

“I love it when a good con comes together,” Molly sighed happily. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my tumblr is witchlightsands, my dnd sideblog is genderfluidmollymauks and i love molly a LOT ok :(


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaah hey. sorry it's been so long, life happens and this chapter really didn't want to be written.

Jester loved her job  _ sooo  _ much.

It wasn’t every job that let her trick people for a living. She was a professional prankster and professional liar- she was living her best life. 

Over her earpiece, she could hear Fjord talking to Kylre, convincing him of a safe place to put his money. Oooh, this was going to be  _ so good _ . She couldn’t wait to tell Cali about it. 

Speaking of Cali! She was on a trip in Canada at the moment, and Jester didn’t know when she’d be back. She missed her. Jester popped a donut hole in her mouth and pulled out her phone. She had a while before her next part of the con came up, so she texted her girlfriend. 

_ Jester: i cannot waaaaaaait to see you agaaaaaaain _

_ Jester: i have sooooooooOOOOOOooo much to tell you!!! _

_ Jester: guess what im doing today guess! _

_ Jester: no dont guess i want to tell you in person! _

_ Jester: i miss you sooo much _

_ Cali *one BILLION heart emojis*: jester i love you  _

_ Jester: I LOVE YOU TOO _

_ Cali *one BILLION heart emojis*: i cant wait to see you again too! You can tell me all about your day tonight _

_ Jester: WHAT _

_ Cali *one BILLION heart emojis*: surprise! I’m flying in! ooh wait are you busy? _

_ Jester: OMG OMG OMG OMG NO IM NOT BUSY IM SUPER DUPER UPER FREE TONIGHT _

“Jester? Why are you squealing?” Yasha asked in her ear. 

_ Jester: I AM A LITTLE BUSY RN THO OOPS BYE I LOVE YOU SEE YOU SOOOOOOOOOON _

Jester stuffed her phone in her pocket and grabbed another donut. “Oh, nothing!”

“Alright. You’re almost up.”

Jester got in her stolen/borrowed cop car and grinned and got to her part of the con. 

\---

Jester pointed dramatically at Kylre. “That’s him, officers!”

The local police stepped forward, eyes wide. “Yes, Agent Smith.”

Jester gave a happy smile and puffed up her hair as Kylre was lead to a real cop car, cursing and denying which was pretty useless seeing as how Jester was  _ great  _ at passing herself off as an FBI agent and Fjord had  _ totally  _ tricked Kylre into putting all his money into the account Caleb had set up to be incredibly obvious for fowl play and JESTER NEEDED TO GET TO THE AIRPORT. 

“Gentlemen,” she nodded to the police officers and walked off and then ran. Over her earpiece, she said “ohbyeguysIhavetogomeetmygirlfriendattheairportI’llseeyoualllaterdon’tforgettopaymeBYE.”

Molly managed a “what?”

\---

“Cali!” Jester waved wildly from the baggage claim. 

Calianna saw her immediately, and her face lit up with a grin. “JESTER!”

Cali didn’t pick up her bags, instead immediately running to her. Her hair was tied back with a ribbon, showing the half of her face with the slight burn scars still healing, and Jester grabbed her prosthetic hand. 

“OMGOMGOMG I STILL CAN’T BELIEVE YOU’RE HERE!” Jester laughed, giving her a quick kiss on the cheek. Then a quick kiss on the other one. Then proceeded to continually pepper Cali’s face in kisses. 

Cali laughed back. “Jester, it’s so good to see you!”

“It’s so good to see you too! I missed you!” Jester kissed her completely on the mouth, and hugged her close. 

Cali kissed her for a good while before pulling away. “I- I do have to get my bags, Jester.”

“Of course! Let me get those for you.” Jester followed her to baggage claim and picked up the bags Cali pointed out. 

“Your muscles are hot,” Cali commented as Jester loaded the bags into her car. “I can’t believe you didn’t go into hitting.”

Jester gave her a wink. “Because it’s fun to have a surprise when people just think you’re pretty.”

“You are pretty.” Cali gave her one last kiss before getting in the front seat. 

Jester got in the driver’s seat. “So, guess what I did today!”

“Conned someone?” Cali laughed adorably. “You still running with Beau and Fjord?”

“Yep!  _ And  _ we got some new partners! A guy contacted us over the phone and he called himself the G.M. and offered us LOTS of money to help a circus and at the circus we met a stinky hacker named Caleb and a very small thief named Nott and a very pretty person named Molly and a very tall woman named Yasha and I pretended to be an FBI agent and I helped put a guy in jail!”

Jester took a breath. “How was your trip?”

“Oh, same as usual. Still stealing those bowls.” Cali gave a grin. “Got one in my bag right now.”

“My girlfriend is  _ the most talented  _ thief,” Jester sighed dreamily. “So, I don’t have a hotel room in the city. Whoops. BUT I do know a place we can go!”

“Really?”

“Oh, yeah!” Jester grinned. “I mean, if you want to meet my new team!”

“I’d love to!”

“Yay!”

“Jester, the light is green now.”

“Oh!”

\---

Jester knocked on the door to Caleb’s apartment, and he didn’t answer. She knocked again. Still no answer. 

Cali dug into her purse and pulled out a set of lock picks. “Don’t worry babe.”

“Heart eyes,” Jester sighed. Cali laughed, and the door opened with a pop.

The lights were off, and Jester realized Caleb probably wasn’t home. Whoops. Frumpkin came up to her and rubbed against her legs. “This is Caleb’s cat. He’s beautiful.”

Cali cooed at him. “So, did we just break into some random person’s apartment?”

“Well, maybe.” Jester laughed. “I mean, we’re part of a team now. So he’s not random. Wanna explore? He’ll probably be home soonish.”

“Sure.”

Jester and Cali explored Caleb’s very dirty apartment. Truly, very boring. No hidden stolen paintings. No valuable trinkets. Not even a computer. Pathetic.

Cali went, “Hey!” and showed her a door. “Is this is bedroom?”

“I don’t know?” Jester looked at the door. “Open it.”

Cali opened it, and Jester poked her head in. It was a very simple room, with a single bed and a bookshelf. Jester made a face. “Oh, he’s boring.”

“Rip,” Cali said solemnly.

They spent some time together in his room, catching up and kissing and things and Jester didn’t even notice the time until she heard a slamming knock on the door. 

“Hey!” Caleb’s voice snapped from the doorway. Jester looked up to him, and he was covering his eyes. “This is  _ my room _ .”

Beside her, Cali giggled. 

“But Caleb, I haven’t seen her in foreeeeveer,” Jester whined. 

“That doesn’t mean you can-  _ have sex _ in  _ my room _ .” Caleb sighed. “Apartment 114 is empty. Take my lock picks. And never let me see you shirtless on my bed again.”

“Number one ally!” Jester pecked him on the cheek as she left, hand in hand with Cali. 

“I’m  _ bi _ ,” Caleb shouted after them before slamming the door behind them.

Jester and Cali laughed as they left.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my tumblr is witchlightsands, my dnd sideblog is genderfluidmollymauks, and yes i did write an entire chapter of jester/cali fluff instead of actually trying to write down "plot" or "a con"

**Author's Note:**

> my tumblr is witchlightsands, my dnd sideblog is genderfluidmollymauks, and i really wanted to do a leverage au bc thats just who i am as a person


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